i am a bitch.

You know what it feels like to worry about someone so much that you prefer to just continue living in denial and pretending that everything is alright? That every time your phone registers a miss call from him, you prefer to just ignore it, rather than to message him to ask whether he is alright, just because you're too scared to hear his answer?

Well, I have experienced it, and it is not a great feeling. At some points, I actually got scared of my phone, and I actually contemplated to throw it away, just so I can run away from the guilt. The fact is, I do care. I know it's not my responsibility to care, but the guilt just doesn't go away so easily. Have you ever ruined someone's life by the time you turn 22? Well, I have, and it sucks. I think retribution will catch up with me real fast, for what i did was really evil. I really wish him well. I hope he finds his soulmate, and be happy, because he really is a sweet guy, and he deserves to be happy.

I keep trying to shoo him away from my mind by doing other things and keeping myself busy doing stupid stuff. But there are times when randomly he just popped out of nowhere (in my head, that is). I guess it's the memory. We had shared too many of them together. Relationship is a bummer, I tell you.

The reason I write about this is I just got a miss call from him again, and I really don't know what to do. I figured if I write things down, I may be able to see it more clearly. It doesn't really help, though. I still will ignore it, until he calls again, or message me. Surely if it's urgent or important enough, he will call me. Right?

I know I'm a free thinker, so I have no right to actually pray for anything, but I really wish I can believe and have faith. And I wish God really cares, and that my wishes can come true.

If wishes do come true, I want to wish for his tremendous happiness, and for him to forget his past, including me.

I wish I were less sceptical.